So, I figured I'd kick this season off right with a good old holiday tradition. When I couldn't find that, I went with these gigantic cookie bars.
Clif Bars have been pretty ubiquitous in the heath food aisle for a few years now. With a good portion of your daily nutrients, not to mention enough calories to kill a yak, they're a good meal alternative, probably. I can't really wrap my head around it. They're just big cookies, not that that's a bad thing. They're also the bane of any spelling enthusiast. I keep wanting to type "Cliff". Spellcheck will hate this article.
So this year, they decided to come out with these winter versions of their popular bars. I don't really know why, as nothing about Clif Bars screams "CHRISTMAS" at me. Still, they're here, and I have a very specific disorder that makes me buy and eat anything yuletide-themed. Will I like them? Probably not, but let's find out together, shall we?
Here they are, in all their sugary glory. My teeth ache just looking at them. I'm actually very glad I kept them in their wrappers for this shot. They all look so similar. Perhaps I should have done a blind taste test, but that would require more effort than I'm willing to put in at 3:30 in the morning. Let's get down to it.
First up is
Spiced Pumpkin Pie. I'm a HUGE fan of pumpkin pie-flavored things, specifically coffee and actual pumpkin pie. I figured that one was a given. But I digress. This has some pumpkin pie flavor, but with a pronounced...fruitiness, I guess? It's an uncomfortable taste, like fruit gum. Given that these have the texture of an undercooked cookie, the whole thing is pretty unpleasant. Alright, next one.
Moving on, we have
Iced Gingerbread. Gingerbread is one of the bastions of holiday flavors, and this time of year, it's hard to find ANY product without a gingerbread flavor. This Clif Bar is actually passable. There's still that gummy undercooked texture, but it gives a marshmallow-y feel to this one. The taste is a good approximation of gingerbread, with a little of that fruitiness, but it works in it's favor. If you're craving gingerbread cookies, there are better choices, but this isn't horrible. If all you have on hand are these Clif Bars, it wouldn't ruin your holidays. Plus, the handy brick shape makes making houses a snap.
Okay. Okay. I've been saving this one for last, but only because I'm 99% sure I'll hate the shit out of it. The bane of my existence, the
Peppermint Stick Clif Bar. I am of the steadfast opinion that candy canes and old people candy are the only things allowed to taste like peppermint. That's mostly so I can easily identify it so I don't accidentally eat it. I hate
hate hate peppermint. However, my previously stated disorder means I have to eat 2189472389 peppermint flavored things each holiday season. It's a vicious, horrible cycle.
Alright, I'm just stalling so I don't have to eat it. Here goes.
It's...not...horrible. Mainly because the cookie parts to a sufficient job of covering up the peppermint. It tastes like a nutty cookie eaten just after a good tooth brushing. It's still got that undercooked texture, which I'm starting to believe is inherent in every Clif Bar. Without the peppermint flavor, this would be a passable cookie, but that gross shit makes it inedible to me. For what it's worth, it's the only one I spit out.
Clif Bars, thanks for the holiday present, but next year, maybe just send a card.
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