X-mas Xtravaganza #3 - Christmas Crafts!

Around the Christmas season, the dollar bins at Target are a godsend. Usually packed with fun-but-useless things throughout the year, the holidays are when they really shine. Filled with everything from shitty stocking stuffer toys to Christmas candy to decorations. Hell, last year, I bought my tiny desktop tree from there. I'd wager I spend a good fifteen percent of my holiday shopping budget on dumb crap from these bins. Which leads me to my newest subject.

I really couldn't pass up this collection of Christmas-themed crafts once I saw them looking so lonely in the dollar bin. They needed a good home. One that I could provide, I figured. Plus, at a dollar a piece, they were a steal! I've dealt with crafts before on this site, I figured this article would be a snap. How wrong I was.

X-mas Xtravaganza #2 - Air Heads Holiday Sticker Fun!

Air Heads are kind of a classic stocking stuffer. Easy to find, tasty and cheap, you can buy packs of like 50 for a nickel. Maybe not that extreme, but they work. However, they've never really had a place in the whole holiday-themed world. You could buy regular Air Heads, sure, but why do that if they aren't covered in reindeer? Enter the Holiday Sticker Fun pack.

This appeals to me in so many ways. I like the holidays, stickers, AND fun. It's so perfect that the actual Air Heads seem like an afterthought. This is reinforced by the fact that the package only comes with 12 mini bars. This grand trespass would be unacceptable if not for the promise of stickers and fun.

X-mas Xtravaganza #1 - Holiday Clif Bars!

So, I figured I'd kick this season off right with a good old holiday tradition. When I couldn't find that, I went with these gigantic cookie bars.

Clif Bars have been pretty ubiquitous in the heath food aisle for a few years now. With a good portion of your daily nutrients, not to mention enough calories to kill a yak, they're a good meal alternative, probably. I can't really wrap my head around it. They're just big cookies, not that that's a bad thing. They're also the bane of any spelling enthusiast. I keep wanting to type "Cliff". Spellcheck will hate this article.

So this year, they decided to come out with these winter versions of their popular bars. I don't really know why, as nothing about Clif Bars screams "CHRISTMAS" at me. Still, they're here, and I have a very specific disorder that makes me buy and eat anything yuletide-themed. Will I like them? Probably not, but let's find out together, shall we?

Sentient Vending Machine's X-mas Xtravaganza!

 Oh blog. How I've missed you. I promised a week break and it's been 237819721 weeks or something. Forgive me?

Because it's time for

SENTIENT VENDING MACHINE'S X-MAS X-TRAVAGANZA!!

Yes! The series of blog posts that deserved bold, underlined, AND italicized letters in alternating colors! It took forever! I won't do it again! EVER.

So, I've got a ton of great posts lined up for you guys. Christmas specials, food, decorations, and all the love you've come to expect from Sentient Vending Machine. I won't get into detail yet (better to save that for when I actually talk about stuff), but it's gonna be great. All deserving of my favorite holiday season.

For now, though, I've gone ahead and made a special Christmas playlist. I used Spotify for this, because the YouTube one I put together for Halloween didn't really pan out right. Namely, you couldn't watch most of the videos inside the playlist, which made it a little difficult. With Spotify, you'll just have to make an account and download the player. I realize this is a little cumbersome, but it's well worth it. I'm nothing if not  inconvenient.

So, here's the link to the open playlist. Hopefully it'll work for you, otherwise, this has all been for nothing. Please work. PLEASE WORK.

I'll be back in a few days (really!) with my first REAL Christmas post!

IT'S COMING

Halloweener #11 - It's Halloween!

Happy Halloween, everybody. Even though I'm posting this at like two in the morning my time. It's still Halloween in some parts of the country. Just roll with it.

I genuinely hope your holiday was filled with mirth and candy and spooky stories and all the things that make Halloween magical. Posting these little articles certainly helped my season along, and if it did anything to help your Halloween enjoyment, I'm glad. As an adult, I'm not really privy to the usual traditions of this holiday, so doing these blog posts help keep me young in a way. I guess. I'm not that old. Gah.

Anyway, in lieu of  doing an actual blog post with all the writing and whatnot, I'm gonna put up a bunch of pictures that I forgot about of articles I didn't get around to writing this season. There's always next year, and I know I'll make Halloweener a yearly tradition. Now if you'll excuse me, the Garfield Halloween special isn't gonna watch itself.

Don't worry much about me. In about a week, I'll be back to start the X-mas Xtravaganza. Just hold tight till then, okay? Don't give up on us, baby.

Click the photos to enlarge. Or don't. You'll only miss out, though.

One more photo. My desk has slowly become a Halloween paradise, as everything I've collected to potentially write about has been displayed there. Here's a pic. You can see some of the stuff I didn't get around to writing about, but there's always next year. Really regret not doing that 3D Foam Graveyard set.

 

To end this Halloween season, a horrible poem.

Thanks for reading, everyone! See you in about a week!

Halloweener #10 - Creepy Candles!

 Oh man. Oh man oh man. I've been waiting to write about this one. I met Creepy Candles in an almost serendipitous moment in the Dollar Store. I very nearly passed them up entirely, as whoever stocked them placed them way in the back of the store, apart from the Halloween stuff. I just so happened to have stumbled back there in a daze, and fell in love with these wonderful candles. Join me in my admiration, won't you?

First, we have Fat Cryptkeeper. His sinister one-eyed stare, evil grin, and wringing hands are absolutely perfect. He looks like the butler in Hell's most prominent mansion. The level of detail on these candles is really top-notch. They really don't seem like the typical dollar-store shelf-fillers.

Next we have Lord Elwyn, Master of His Domain. In case you're wondering, no, these aren't they're official names. Yes, I am making them up, but I'm COMMITTING to them. Lord Elwin is the owner of the mansion in Hell where Fat Cryptkeeper is the butler. Anyway.

These candles don't appear to be based on any pre-existing characters, but they feel like they could be. Fat Cryptkeeper looks like a fat version of the Cryptkeeper from Tales from the Crypt. Lord Elwin looks kind of like Frankenstein's  monster, but a more gentlemanly version, I guess.

Last up is Pumkinhead And Also Pumpkinfeet. This one is the only Creepy Candle that required assembly. When I took him out of the box, I was surprised to find that his arms weren't actually attached to the body. They actually had little pegs I was supposed to affix to holes in his torso. The only problem was the holes were filled with wax. I tried to break it out, but ended up breaking parts off the body. So, rather than accept defeat, I melted them mo'fukkas in. It may be because I had to put so much work into him, but I think Pumpkinhead/feet is my favorite.

Upon closer inspection of the package, it appears there are six different candles to get. I'm pretty sure I got the only kinds the dollar store had, but I could be wrong. Nonetheless, I will be taking another pilgrimage there. I have to get my hands on the Dracula and Wizard candles. The witch I could do without. I'm not a fan of them.

So, there we have it, all the candles lit. I immediately blew them out after I took this picture, because I love these too much to ever let them melt. Oh no, they will be centerpieces of my Halloween decor for years to come. Hell, they look so cool, I may just leave them up all year. I don't have to explain anything. I you don't like it, you can get the hell out.

BONUS! THE WORST HALLOWEEN MOOD DVD EVER!

So, I bought this DVD with every intention of reviewing it, but it turns out that it's the worst DVD in the history of DVDs. I literally could not find anything interesting about it, and I wrote an article about coloring on wood. The whole of the DVD is a loop of "scary music", lightning bolts, and a skeleton hand writing scary messages in the "fog" that appears on your screen. This is the Halloween version of what kids do on long car rides.

 I didn't really want to have spent the money on this and taken all the pictures and screenshots and not get anything out of it, so I'll just put this bitchfest here at the end of a proper article. If I ran the type of website that gave review scores, I'd give the Creepy Candles eleven haunted pumpkins, and this shitty DVD negative three rattlin' skeletons.

Halloweener #9 - Halloween Themed Snacks!

 There's a real lack of Halloween themed snacks on the market. Sure, there's various fun-sized candy collections, but I mean real, themed snacks. Of the few I was actually able to find, most have a slight-at-best grasp on the holiday. In my desperation to have a Halloween-themed snacks article, I picked up what I could scavenge from barren store shelves. So, without further dragging on of an intro paragraph I'm obviously struggling to write, let's get into it.

First up, we have Fun Sweets Halloween Cotton Candy. Now, I've never been a huge fan of the stuff. I don't really see the enjoyment of eating something with the same consistency of fiberglass insulation. The bucket claims the sweet to be "Classic Flavor", but they seem to have taken great liberties with that. It has a very prominent banana flavor, and I just can't get behind banana flavored candies. It's just against my priciples. Nonetheless, it comes in a cool pumpkin bucket, which can double in a pinch as a jack-o-lantern for the incredibly lazy.

Next we have Little Debbie Pumpkin Delights. These are neat. The packaging opts for a fall theme rather than a Halloween one, but the cookies themselves scream All Hallows Eve. Now, I'm a big fan of pumpkin. No pumpkin pie is safe from my grasp, and I practically live on pumpkin spice lattes this time of year. These cakes are no different. The pumpkin flavor is prominent and delicious. If that's not your thing, steer clear of these, but for all pumpkin fanatics out there, eat these while you can. Or don't, cause I want to.

Here we have Pumpkin Patch Orange Pop Rocks. These have no real connection to Halloween besides the packaging. They're just orange and green Pop Rocks. Perhaps that's underselling it, cause they're still fuggin Pop Rocks, and Pop Rocks are always awesome. Honestly, these were just a bonus for me, as I was fully prepared to write this article without them. But I'll take any excuse to eat Pop Rocks, and writing about them is just icing on the sugar-laden cake.

Lastly, we have Bat Dots. These are the realest of the dealest. Dots have always been the crown glory of gumdrops, and a Halloween branding just endears them more to me. Jet black candy, and it's blood orange flavor. BLOOD orange. That takes it a step further. I mean, they could have made a black licorice candy and left it at that, but they took it to the next level with the only flavor with the word blood in the name. It gives me shivers just thinking about it, but I think that's just my blood sugar from eating all these candies.

BONUS! HALLOWEEN LIGHTS!

I finally got some Halloween lights! If you know me, you know I've wanted some of these for a while, but never wanted to pay the exorbitant prices every store seemed to want for them. While tooling around in Rite Aid for no reason in particular today, I found some that weren't prohibitively expensive!

Here we have orange.

And here we have purple.

I assure you, these look much better in real life. I would have loved to leave them in permanently, especially the purple one, but after about five minutes of being on, the orange bulb started stinking. And then it started smoking. Not wanting a fire on my hands, I turned it off, removed the bulb, and am currently cowering in fear from these demon lights. I suppose you get what you pay for, especially when it comes to on-UL Certified light bulbs.

Halloweener #8 - Peanuts Wood Scene!

The Peanuts characters are nearly as synonymous with Halloween as they are with Christmas. The viewing of "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" is one of the great traditions of the holiday. I go so far as to dump a few rocks in the candy bags of the more dumpy-looking kids when they come to my door. I find it surprising when I don't find a child passed out in a pumpkin patch the next morning. I don't have the heart to tell him the Great Pumpkin isn't real. Why am I rambling on about Peanuts and Halloween? BECAUSE COLORING.

Yes, I picked the bizarrely named "Peanuts Wood Scene" up at the crafts store. Don't ask me why I was in the crafts store, it will all be revealed in time, maybe. Anyway, I knew I couldn't leave the store without this thing, lack of money be damned. Linus with his arms raised in wonder, Sally with a big grin on her face, unaware of the disappointment she'll soon have to deal with, it's all too magical. And I get to COLOR IT!

Here we see the sad little pack of markers the kit comes with. No where near the expanse of pallet I need to make my masterpiece. Why color at all if I can't make puke-green and gray leaves, and sky blue pumpkins? I guess I'll just have to deal with it, and color everything the color they're supposed to be. Dammit.

The colors actually went on pretty easily, and for as cheap-looking as they are, the markers never threatened to run out. That's good, because I was broke and couldn't run to the store for a Crayola backup. I quickly realized that I had a major problem, though: good 'ol Chuck Schultz's art was never meant to be colored. While it looked fine in back and white, I couldn't tell what was a leaf or a vine when colored. To make matters worse, the one shade of green the marker set came with was far too dark to be used too much. I didn't want Linus and Sally to look like they were floating on pumpkins in an under-cleaned pool. So, I had to use my head a little, and colored some of the leaves red and orange. I mean, those are fall colors, right? I'd like to see you do a better job!

The package came with a tube of what they call "shiny glaze". There aren't any instructions, so I'm not entirely sure what this is supposed to be used for. I assume you put it over the finished product to protect the color or just make it sparkle or whatnot. Honestly, it just looks like someone spilled frosting or something more *ahem*...sinister on my coloring. I tried adding it after I colored, but it just made all the colors run together and smear, so I quickly ditched that idea. My coloring goes outside the lines just as well by itself, thank you.

So, here's my finished coloring, and it looks pretty snazzy, if I do say so myself. I mean, since it's just a piece of wood, I have no idea of what I'm gonna actually do with the thing. I guess I could leave it where it is, but it falls if someone bumps it or breathes on it or thinks about it, so I dunno. I guess this one was more about the journey than the destination.

HEY! Don't forget about my YouTube Playlist! Still adding more songs! Use it for your big Halloween get-together!

Halloweener #7 - Spooky Window Clings!

 I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to decorating for the holidays. Love to look at the completed product, hate to actually put any effort into putting any decorations up. When I decorate, that usually means setting ready-made products down on any cleared-off area and bitching when anyone moves them. So, obviously, these window clings were right up my alley. Easy to put up, take down, or just leave up and call it art.

I went with the three most interesting cling sets the dollar store had to offer. Universal Monsters, Goosebumps, and a fuggin six-and-a-half foot tall Dracula. I take back the backhanded compliment of the first sentence. These would be amazing at any price point, and the fact that I didn't pay more than a dollar for each is just gravy, brotha. I mean, SIX FOOT DRACULA! That's gotta be worth some street cred.

I decided the back door's window would be a good place for the Universal Monsters set. Love these to death, man. I may just leave these up all year. I really wouldn't mind seeing Lon Chaney and Bela Lugosi every time I went to the backyard. Can't say I wouldn't like more of a variety in the characters they chose, or that I'm not peeved that the Wolfman didn't get a head-and-shoulders shot, but that's just nitpicking. At least they included the Invisible Man.

The Goosebumps set is an entirely different, but still awesome, affair. The more popular books, like The Haunted Mask, are represented here, along with Curly, the official mascot that never actually appeared in any stories. Also included are the Goosebumps logo, several sets of scary eyes, and some gross bugs that have a tenuous grasp on the book series. Either way, I'm pretty happy with it. I picked the freezer door for these, cause who doesn't like a good startle when reaching for an ice pop?

See that? Yeah, from 1996, baby. No nostalgic new products here, these are the real deal. Though, given the dollar store I picked these up at, finding a fifteen year old product isn't that surprising.

Now comes the big guy. Unfortunately, I failed to realize exactly how big. Six-and-a-half feet is a-lot-and-a-half feet. He wouldn't fit on any of the windows in my house, and none of the walls are empty enough to accommodate such a large vampire. Also, this guy isn't an actual cling. No, he's made to cling to special paper that you're supposed to stick to the walls first, then create a scene with Drac and other plastic sets. Still, he's just too awesome, and I already took the pictures.

So, with windows and walls out of the picture, the only other option were doors. The front and back doors already covered in Halloween regalia, the last choice was the bathroom door. I decided on the outside, because I don't like being watched while I poop. Sticking him up was a real pain in the ass, as I had to use tape, and the top of the door was so dusty the tape wouldn't stick. Do you dust the tops of your doors? If so, leave a comment, then leave another comment stating why you'd admit to dusting your doors to a stranger on the internet.

Anyhow, with a little trimming, and a lot of tape, Drac was ready to go. Giving a whole new meaning to scared shitless. Full disclosure: I put all of these up and took the pictures a couple nights ago, and Dracula's already a big hit with my family, in that some of them want to hit me. When you open my bathroom door, the outside of it faces the mirror, and it looks like there's a vampire behind you. Pranks weren't really my goal with this guy, but I'm not complaining.

So, Halloween is fast approaching. I'm not entirely sure I'll get done with everything I wanted to blog about, but it's been incredibly fun so far. It's actually put me in the Halloween spirit, which I haven't really been in for years, barring a few monster movie marathons. What exactly am I getting at? I really don't know. I just hope your Halloween season is as fun as mine is.

BONUS!

Did you buy these?

Cut them like so.

Roll them up.

Eat them all at once. So good.

BONUS no.2!

Don't forget my Halloween YouTube playlist! I've added more songs!