X-mas Xtravaganza #3 - Christmas Crafts!

Around the Christmas season, the dollar bins at Target are a godsend. Usually packed with fun-but-useless things throughout the year, the holidays are when they really shine. Filled with everything from shitty stocking stuffer toys to Christmas candy to decorations. Hell, last year, I bought my tiny desktop tree from there. I'd wager I spend a good fifteen percent of my holiday shopping budget on dumb crap from these bins. Which leads me to my newest subject.

I really couldn't pass up this collection of Christmas-themed crafts once I saw them looking so lonely in the dollar bin. They needed a good home. One that I could provide, I figured. Plus, at a dollar a piece, they were a steal! I've dealt with crafts before on this site, I figured this article would be a snap. How wrong I was.

Halloweener #10 - Creepy Candles!

 Oh man. Oh man oh man. I've been waiting to write about this one. I met Creepy Candles in an almost serendipitous moment in the Dollar Store. I very nearly passed them up entirely, as whoever stocked them placed them way in the back of the store, apart from the Halloween stuff. I just so happened to have stumbled back there in a daze, and fell in love with these wonderful candles. Join me in my admiration, won't you?

First, we have Fat Cryptkeeper. His sinister one-eyed stare, evil grin, and wringing hands are absolutely perfect. He looks like the butler in Hell's most prominent mansion. The level of detail on these candles is really top-notch. They really don't seem like the typical dollar-store shelf-fillers.

Next we have Lord Elwyn, Master of His Domain. In case you're wondering, no, these aren't they're official names. Yes, I am making them up, but I'm COMMITTING to them. Lord Elwin is the owner of the mansion in Hell where Fat Cryptkeeper is the butler. Anyway.

These candles don't appear to be based on any pre-existing characters, but they feel like they could be. Fat Cryptkeeper looks like a fat version of the Cryptkeeper from Tales from the Crypt. Lord Elwin looks kind of like Frankenstein's  monster, but a more gentlemanly version, I guess.

Last up is Pumkinhead And Also Pumpkinfeet. This one is the only Creepy Candle that required assembly. When I took him out of the box, I was surprised to find that his arms weren't actually attached to the body. They actually had little pegs I was supposed to affix to holes in his torso. The only problem was the holes were filled with wax. I tried to break it out, but ended up breaking parts off the body. So, rather than accept defeat, I melted them mo'fukkas in. It may be because I had to put so much work into him, but I think Pumpkinhead/feet is my favorite.

Upon closer inspection of the package, it appears there are six different candles to get. I'm pretty sure I got the only kinds the dollar store had, but I could be wrong. Nonetheless, I will be taking another pilgrimage there. I have to get my hands on the Dracula and Wizard candles. The witch I could do without. I'm not a fan of them.

So, there we have it, all the candles lit. I immediately blew them out after I took this picture, because I love these too much to ever let them melt. Oh no, they will be centerpieces of my Halloween decor for years to come. Hell, they look so cool, I may just leave them up all year. I don't have to explain anything. I you don't like it, you can get the hell out.

BONUS! THE WORST HALLOWEEN MOOD DVD EVER!

So, I bought this DVD with every intention of reviewing it, but it turns out that it's the worst DVD in the history of DVDs. I literally could not find anything interesting about it, and I wrote an article about coloring on wood. The whole of the DVD is a loop of "scary music", lightning bolts, and a skeleton hand writing scary messages in the "fog" that appears on your screen. This is the Halloween version of what kids do on long car rides.

 I didn't really want to have spent the money on this and taken all the pictures and screenshots and not get anything out of it, so I'll just put this bitchfest here at the end of a proper article. If I ran the type of website that gave review scores, I'd give the Creepy Candles eleven haunted pumpkins, and this shitty DVD negative three rattlin' skeletons.

Halloweener #5 - Boo Berry and Frankenberry Fruit Roll-Ups!

For the past few years now, any cereal fan has been privy to a certain fact: Every year, General Mills will bring back their monster themed breakfast foods. Count Chocula is the year-round regular, but every Halloween, the cereal giant puts two of their best loved monsters back in production. I'm talking, of course, about Boo Berry and Frankenberry. Now, everyone has their favorites among these (Go Boo Berry! Whoo whoo whoo!), but the fact that they brought them back speaks volumes about their shared fandom. This is also evident in the fact that the characters are branching out into other media, and now, other food.

Introduced last year (I think, I can't be bothered to check), Boo Berry and Frankenberry versions of Betty Crocker's Fruit Roll-Ups hit store shelves. Their boxes don't reveal much about them, as they look nearly identical to the cereal boxes, save for the Fruit Roll-Ups logo and a batch of the rolls themselves in the corner. I noticed that there are nutrition facts on the front of the box, trumpeting the fact that they're full of vitamin C. This is obviously to make parents feel better that they're giving their children what amounts to flavored strips of vinyl. Tasty, but plastic.

One of the first things I noticed about the candy is the lack of cut-out shapes. Pull-out shapes where one of the main selling points when I was a kid, and I'd love to have a candy Boo Berry cut out to stick on my window and forget about, letting it bake to the glass in the sun. Instead, we're presented with retro designs of the titular characters printed in some kind of edible ink. Interesting, and the original depictions are a nice touch, but next year, go with the cut-outs, Betty.

As for taste, we're presented with two different sides of the spectrum. The Frankenberry's strawberry flavor is delicious, like little slices off heaven's vinyl car seats. That's a good thing, I promise you. It tastes and smells not unlike the frosted coating on Pocky, and had this been wrapped around a breadstick, I may not have been able to tell the difference. Okay, I probably would, but give me a break. It's good.

Boo Berry is another story. While still very good (BERRY good hahahahaha), it's more of a blue raspberry flavor than a straight up blueberry. This, of course, eschews the traditional Boo Berry flavor. This may be for the best, as I can't remember the last time I ate a blueberry candy that didn't taste like dishsoap. This is tasty, though I'll have to give the crown to Frankenberry.

No I don't. It's my damn blog. BOO BERRY WINS!

As a fan of these cereals from way back, I can't tell you how happy I am that they're back in production. These candies are a neat and unexpected bonus. I highly recommend them both. Go get 'em before they're gone!

By the way, I've got about 22 Fruit Roll-Ups I don't need. Want one?

7up Retro review

There has been a recent resurgence in "retro" sodas. That is to say, sodas that are made with real sugar, rather than high-fructose corn syrup. Starting with Pepsi and Mountain Dew, the movement has found it's way into Dr Pepper, among others. Even Coke threw their hat into the ring, albeit with the imported Mexican Coke (ooh, imported!).

Now, 7up is getting into the game with 7up Retro. I, being the consummate consumer, had to try it. Seeing it on the store shelves, it was calling to me. "Drop five bucks on me" it said, knowing full well that I would. I grabbed my bounty and made a beeline to the checkouts. Fuck monetary responsibilities, I had tasty sugar water to buy.



As you can see, I had to buy a regular 7up to compare it to. As a side note, have you seen the new bottle design for 7up? It's very curvy, almost feminine. I like it. It's different, and not something we usually see in the pop aisle. hopefully it'll stick around.

Hopefully, you'll also notice that 7up Retro's packaging is decidedly un-retro. Seeing Pepsi's strong vintage look with their real sugar sodas, you'd think 7up would kinda go with the flow. I'm positive 7up has never had tiger stripes on its can. Or Donald Trump.



So we're ready for the taste-off. 7up Retro on the left, represented by Gumby. 7up Current on the right, represented by the Evangelion. Lets see what our boys have to offer.



First up is the Retro variety. It's a very transparent flavor, recalling more limes than lemons, and more sugar than either. The sweet taste is definitely at the forefront of this drink. Still, it's good, if overly sweet.



The contemporary 7up has a thicker feel to it, almost syrupy. The emphasis seems to be on lemons, though I don't know if this is intentional, or just because I drank it after the Retro version. There's a pronounced chemical aftertaste that doesn't sit well with me.

After weighing the two formulas, I have to call 7up Retro as the winner!



7up Retro seems destined to be a limited edition. A week after I bought my first case, it seems increasingly hard to find another. Maybe that's for the best with these kind of sodas. When a food is taken away from us, we seem to lust after it more. Grab a case of these for yourself before they're gone!