Halloweener #11 - It's Halloween!

Happy Halloween, everybody. Even though I'm posting this at like two in the morning my time. It's still Halloween in some parts of the country. Just roll with it.

I genuinely hope your holiday was filled with mirth and candy and spooky stories and all the things that make Halloween magical. Posting these little articles certainly helped my season along, and if it did anything to help your Halloween enjoyment, I'm glad. As an adult, I'm not really privy to the usual traditions of this holiday, so doing these blog posts help keep me young in a way. I guess. I'm not that old. Gah.

Anyway, in lieu of  doing an actual blog post with all the writing and whatnot, I'm gonna put up a bunch of pictures that I forgot about of articles I didn't get around to writing this season. There's always next year, and I know I'll make Halloweener a yearly tradition. Now if you'll excuse me, the Garfield Halloween special isn't gonna watch itself.

Don't worry much about me. In about a week, I'll be back to start the X-mas Xtravaganza. Just hold tight till then, okay? Don't give up on us, baby.

Click the photos to enlarge. Or don't. You'll only miss out, though.

One more photo. My desk has slowly become a Halloween paradise, as everything I've collected to potentially write about has been displayed there. Here's a pic. You can see some of the stuff I didn't get around to writing about, but there's always next year. Really regret not doing that 3D Foam Graveyard set.

 

To end this Halloween season, a horrible poem.

Thanks for reading, everyone! See you in about a week!

Halloweener #10 - Creepy Candles!

 Oh man. Oh man oh man. I've been waiting to write about this one. I met Creepy Candles in an almost serendipitous moment in the Dollar Store. I very nearly passed them up entirely, as whoever stocked them placed them way in the back of the store, apart from the Halloween stuff. I just so happened to have stumbled back there in a daze, and fell in love with these wonderful candles. Join me in my admiration, won't you?

First, we have Fat Cryptkeeper. His sinister one-eyed stare, evil grin, and wringing hands are absolutely perfect. He looks like the butler in Hell's most prominent mansion. The level of detail on these candles is really top-notch. They really don't seem like the typical dollar-store shelf-fillers.

Next we have Lord Elwyn, Master of His Domain. In case you're wondering, no, these aren't they're official names. Yes, I am making them up, but I'm COMMITTING to them. Lord Elwin is the owner of the mansion in Hell where Fat Cryptkeeper is the butler. Anyway.

These candles don't appear to be based on any pre-existing characters, but they feel like they could be. Fat Cryptkeeper looks like a fat version of the Cryptkeeper from Tales from the Crypt. Lord Elwin looks kind of like Frankenstein's  monster, but a more gentlemanly version, I guess.

Last up is Pumkinhead And Also Pumpkinfeet. This one is the only Creepy Candle that required assembly. When I took him out of the box, I was surprised to find that his arms weren't actually attached to the body. They actually had little pegs I was supposed to affix to holes in his torso. The only problem was the holes were filled with wax. I tried to break it out, but ended up breaking parts off the body. So, rather than accept defeat, I melted them mo'fukkas in. It may be because I had to put so much work into him, but I think Pumpkinhead/feet is my favorite.

Upon closer inspection of the package, it appears there are six different candles to get. I'm pretty sure I got the only kinds the dollar store had, but I could be wrong. Nonetheless, I will be taking another pilgrimage there. I have to get my hands on the Dracula and Wizard candles. The witch I could do without. I'm not a fan of them.

So, there we have it, all the candles lit. I immediately blew them out after I took this picture, because I love these too much to ever let them melt. Oh no, they will be centerpieces of my Halloween decor for years to come. Hell, they look so cool, I may just leave them up all year. I don't have to explain anything. I you don't like it, you can get the hell out.

BONUS! THE WORST HALLOWEEN MOOD DVD EVER!

So, I bought this DVD with every intention of reviewing it, but it turns out that it's the worst DVD in the history of DVDs. I literally could not find anything interesting about it, and I wrote an article about coloring on wood. The whole of the DVD is a loop of "scary music", lightning bolts, and a skeleton hand writing scary messages in the "fog" that appears on your screen. This is the Halloween version of what kids do on long car rides.

 I didn't really want to have spent the money on this and taken all the pictures and screenshots and not get anything out of it, so I'll just put this bitchfest here at the end of a proper article. If I ran the type of website that gave review scores, I'd give the Creepy Candles eleven haunted pumpkins, and this shitty DVD negative three rattlin' skeletons.

Halloweener #9 - Halloween Themed Snacks!

 There's a real lack of Halloween themed snacks on the market. Sure, there's various fun-sized candy collections, but I mean real, themed snacks. Of the few I was actually able to find, most have a slight-at-best grasp on the holiday. In my desperation to have a Halloween-themed snacks article, I picked up what I could scavenge from barren store shelves. So, without further dragging on of an intro paragraph I'm obviously struggling to write, let's get into it.

First up, we have Fun Sweets Halloween Cotton Candy. Now, I've never been a huge fan of the stuff. I don't really see the enjoyment of eating something with the same consistency of fiberglass insulation. The bucket claims the sweet to be "Classic Flavor", but they seem to have taken great liberties with that. It has a very prominent banana flavor, and I just can't get behind banana flavored candies. It's just against my priciples. Nonetheless, it comes in a cool pumpkin bucket, which can double in a pinch as a jack-o-lantern for the incredibly lazy.

Next we have Little Debbie Pumpkin Delights. These are neat. The packaging opts for a fall theme rather than a Halloween one, but the cookies themselves scream All Hallows Eve. Now, I'm a big fan of pumpkin. No pumpkin pie is safe from my grasp, and I practically live on pumpkin spice lattes this time of year. These cakes are no different. The pumpkin flavor is prominent and delicious. If that's not your thing, steer clear of these, but for all pumpkin fanatics out there, eat these while you can. Or don't, cause I want to.

Here we have Pumpkin Patch Orange Pop Rocks. These have no real connection to Halloween besides the packaging. They're just orange and green Pop Rocks. Perhaps that's underselling it, cause they're still fuggin Pop Rocks, and Pop Rocks are always awesome. Honestly, these were just a bonus for me, as I was fully prepared to write this article without them. But I'll take any excuse to eat Pop Rocks, and writing about them is just icing on the sugar-laden cake.

Lastly, we have Bat Dots. These are the realest of the dealest. Dots have always been the crown glory of gumdrops, and a Halloween branding just endears them more to me. Jet black candy, and it's blood orange flavor. BLOOD orange. That takes it a step further. I mean, they could have made a black licorice candy and left it at that, but they took it to the next level with the only flavor with the word blood in the name. It gives me shivers just thinking about it, but I think that's just my blood sugar from eating all these candies.

BONUS! HALLOWEEN LIGHTS!

I finally got some Halloween lights! If you know me, you know I've wanted some of these for a while, but never wanted to pay the exorbitant prices every store seemed to want for them. While tooling around in Rite Aid for no reason in particular today, I found some that weren't prohibitively expensive!

Here we have orange.

And here we have purple.

I assure you, these look much better in real life. I would have loved to leave them in permanently, especially the purple one, but after about five minutes of being on, the orange bulb started stinking. And then it started smoking. Not wanting a fire on my hands, I turned it off, removed the bulb, and am currently cowering in fear from these demon lights. I suppose you get what you pay for, especially when it comes to on-UL Certified light bulbs.

Halloweener #8 - Peanuts Wood Scene!

The Peanuts characters are nearly as synonymous with Halloween as they are with Christmas. The viewing of "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" is one of the great traditions of the holiday. I go so far as to dump a few rocks in the candy bags of the more dumpy-looking kids when they come to my door. I find it surprising when I don't find a child passed out in a pumpkin patch the next morning. I don't have the heart to tell him the Great Pumpkin isn't real. Why am I rambling on about Peanuts and Halloween? BECAUSE COLORING.

Yes, I picked the bizarrely named "Peanuts Wood Scene" up at the crafts store. Don't ask me why I was in the crafts store, it will all be revealed in time, maybe. Anyway, I knew I couldn't leave the store without this thing, lack of money be damned. Linus with his arms raised in wonder, Sally with a big grin on her face, unaware of the disappointment she'll soon have to deal with, it's all too magical. And I get to COLOR IT!

Here we see the sad little pack of markers the kit comes with. No where near the expanse of pallet I need to make my masterpiece. Why color at all if I can't make puke-green and gray leaves, and sky blue pumpkins? I guess I'll just have to deal with it, and color everything the color they're supposed to be. Dammit.

The colors actually went on pretty easily, and for as cheap-looking as they are, the markers never threatened to run out. That's good, because I was broke and couldn't run to the store for a Crayola backup. I quickly realized that I had a major problem, though: good 'ol Chuck Schultz's art was never meant to be colored. While it looked fine in back and white, I couldn't tell what was a leaf or a vine when colored. To make matters worse, the one shade of green the marker set came with was far too dark to be used too much. I didn't want Linus and Sally to look like they were floating on pumpkins in an under-cleaned pool. So, I had to use my head a little, and colored some of the leaves red and orange. I mean, those are fall colors, right? I'd like to see you do a better job!

The package came with a tube of what they call "shiny glaze". There aren't any instructions, so I'm not entirely sure what this is supposed to be used for. I assume you put it over the finished product to protect the color or just make it sparkle or whatnot. Honestly, it just looks like someone spilled frosting or something more *ahem*...sinister on my coloring. I tried adding it after I colored, but it just made all the colors run together and smear, so I quickly ditched that idea. My coloring goes outside the lines just as well by itself, thank you.

So, here's my finished coloring, and it looks pretty snazzy, if I do say so myself. I mean, since it's just a piece of wood, I have no idea of what I'm gonna actually do with the thing. I guess I could leave it where it is, but it falls if someone bumps it or breathes on it or thinks about it, so I dunno. I guess this one was more about the journey than the destination.

HEY! Don't forget about my YouTube Playlist! Still adding more songs! Use it for your big Halloween get-together!

Halloweener #7 - Spooky Window Clings!

 I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to decorating for the holidays. Love to look at the completed product, hate to actually put any effort into putting any decorations up. When I decorate, that usually means setting ready-made products down on any cleared-off area and bitching when anyone moves them. So, obviously, these window clings were right up my alley. Easy to put up, take down, or just leave up and call it art.

I went with the three most interesting cling sets the dollar store had to offer. Universal Monsters, Goosebumps, and a fuggin six-and-a-half foot tall Dracula. I take back the backhanded compliment of the first sentence. These would be amazing at any price point, and the fact that I didn't pay more than a dollar for each is just gravy, brotha. I mean, SIX FOOT DRACULA! That's gotta be worth some street cred.

I decided the back door's window would be a good place for the Universal Monsters set. Love these to death, man. I may just leave these up all year. I really wouldn't mind seeing Lon Chaney and Bela Lugosi every time I went to the backyard. Can't say I wouldn't like more of a variety in the characters they chose, or that I'm not peeved that the Wolfman didn't get a head-and-shoulders shot, but that's just nitpicking. At least they included the Invisible Man.

The Goosebumps set is an entirely different, but still awesome, affair. The more popular books, like The Haunted Mask, are represented here, along with Curly, the official mascot that never actually appeared in any stories. Also included are the Goosebumps logo, several sets of scary eyes, and some gross bugs that have a tenuous grasp on the book series. Either way, I'm pretty happy with it. I picked the freezer door for these, cause who doesn't like a good startle when reaching for an ice pop?

See that? Yeah, from 1996, baby. No nostalgic new products here, these are the real deal. Though, given the dollar store I picked these up at, finding a fifteen year old product isn't that surprising.

Now comes the big guy. Unfortunately, I failed to realize exactly how big. Six-and-a-half feet is a-lot-and-a-half feet. He wouldn't fit on any of the windows in my house, and none of the walls are empty enough to accommodate such a large vampire. Also, this guy isn't an actual cling. No, he's made to cling to special paper that you're supposed to stick to the walls first, then create a scene with Drac and other plastic sets. Still, he's just too awesome, and I already took the pictures.

So, with windows and walls out of the picture, the only other option were doors. The front and back doors already covered in Halloween regalia, the last choice was the bathroom door. I decided on the outside, because I don't like being watched while I poop. Sticking him up was a real pain in the ass, as I had to use tape, and the top of the door was so dusty the tape wouldn't stick. Do you dust the tops of your doors? If so, leave a comment, then leave another comment stating why you'd admit to dusting your doors to a stranger on the internet.

Anyhow, with a little trimming, and a lot of tape, Drac was ready to go. Giving a whole new meaning to scared shitless. Full disclosure: I put all of these up and took the pictures a couple nights ago, and Dracula's already a big hit with my family, in that some of them want to hit me. When you open my bathroom door, the outside of it faces the mirror, and it looks like there's a vampire behind you. Pranks weren't really my goal with this guy, but I'm not complaining.

So, Halloween is fast approaching. I'm not entirely sure I'll get done with everything I wanted to blog about, but it's been incredibly fun so far. It's actually put me in the Halloween spirit, which I haven't really been in for years, barring a few monster movie marathons. What exactly am I getting at? I really don't know. I just hope your Halloween season is as fun as mine is.

BONUS!

Did you buy these?

Cut them like so.

Roll them up.

Eat them all at once. So good.

BONUS no.2!

Don't forget my Halloween YouTube playlist! I've added more songs!

Halloweener #6 - McBoo Pails!

Most of us have fond memories of Halloweens past, of filling our candy buckets with delicious treats, of finding the odd old person who would give us full-size candy bars, etc. While many of us used old pillowcases or whatnot for our treat swag, the luckier among us had McBoo pails at their disposal. One of the greatest seasonal Happy Meal promotions of the late 80s/early 90s, McBoo pails were sublime, a lofty bar that other McDonald's toys would try and fail to reach. Strangely, after the first few years of productions, the pails mysteriously disappeared. Lucky for today's children and nerd adults, they're back with a vengeance. Die Hard. I'm cool.

This revival isn't without precedence, however. McBoo pails made a semi-appearance last year, with Mr Potato Head branding. These came with sheets of stickers to decorate the sad blank potatoes on the bucket with various costumes. I bought one, of course, but it really wasn't a McBoo pail. The buckets of past years never had any branding, opting for a collection of non-copyrighted ghost and witch faces. These were the real deal McBoo pails, and this year's collection is a wonderful throwback while still moving forward in design. Cripes, it sounds like I'm talking about something way more important than a bunch of plastic containers with Frankenstein faces on 'em.

As we can see here, I opted for the chicken nugget meal. Obviously, you can get the hamburger or cheeseburger or whatever. They have an option to replace the fries with healthy apple slices, I guess, but if that's your prerogative, healthier choices exist. If you are one of those health types, I'm sure you're looking at this picture with disgust, but I should remind you, you don't have to eat the food. Hand it to a street urchin. They'll repay you with a spell to protect your home against wily invaders or something. What's an urchin?

Here we see the plentiful stickers each bucket comes with. Without these, the pails are rather plain. The greatest part of this is it comes with way too many stickers. You can go the route I did and make several faces for your buckets, or stick 'em somewhere else, like a notebook or your little brother's eyelids. Just don't put them somewhere you have to look every day, or you'll be looking at a jack-o-lantern in July, and that's just sad.

I seriously can't recommend these babies enough. Even if you're too old for trick-or-treating, they make great containers for handing out candy on All Hallows Eve. McDonald's came out with two varieties this year, a jack-o-lantern version, and an arguably more deluxe green Frankenstein themed one. I managed to snatch up both, and being an adult male buying children's food is no picnic. No pun intended.

Okay. It was totally intended.

BONUS! THE MCRIB IS BACK!!!

YES! The delicious little sandwich that actually couldn't for unknown reasons is back! I'm assuming it's for a limited time, as it has made it's return for a short period in the past, only to be forced back into the McDonald's vaults to rot for another year. I get mine plain, that is, without the pickles and onions, because that's just how I roll. Don't judge me. I only want to love. Between the McRib, McBoo pails, and the current Monopoly promotion, there's really no reason not to eat at McDonald's every day and get monstrously fat. Except if you're one of the aforementioned healthy types. No one likes you. You ruin every party. jk lol